WHAT YOUR DOG SAYS ABOUT YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC

Where my dog people at? They say that dogs take after their owners-- you have anxiety or aggression than it will too. But what if it’s REALLY the other way around? What if the dogs we have influence OUR taste? Woah. Keanu reacting meme.  Dogs like music too after all.  Whenever hip hop is bumping out of a car window my dog gets all sorts of hyphy. All the dogs waiting in the line for the hydrant. 

Maybe it’s like that situation where people start looking like their dogs. We can for sure suss out what kind of person you’re gonna be just by getting a glance at your dog. So we at We Are: The Guard have taken some pretty serious technology, analyzed your pets and made judgment calls about you via them.

What kind of judgment? The only kind that matters on our corner of the internet? The musical taste kind. Ugh, I mean what else even matters? Politics? Get out of our house.

This is an intricately studied analysis of 10 people and their pet pooches. May this lead to a better understanding of them as people through a study of their taste in music.

Let’s get it, dog.

GUNTHER - PREP POP

Fun. and Bruno Mars are Gunther’s two favorite acts. He loves catchy, radio-friendly hits that are about as objectionable as a high-five from your best friend after a particularly good yoga class. 

Gunther will sit like a good boy and follow all your commands. He’s basically the perfect little example of what a dog should be… but something’s not entirely there. Is he dead behind the eyes a little bit, or is it just you?

FIDO - CLASSICAL

Rollover Beethoven, and we don’t mean the children’s movie about the dog named after the composer; we mean the composer. 

Fido is classic, just like his name, and he doesn’t have any time for this new fangled music. Pre-1900 is where his allegiances lay.

No time for blues, hip-hop, computers, or hell, even guitars. Fourteen piece orchestras only for this old soul that seems trapped in an era before he was even born. Is he a ghost? Not sure. There’s probably a pretty good joke about Bach to be made, but I’m not going to be the one to do it.

OUR LORD AND SAVIOR BALAAM - DEATH METAL

All things heavy. This dog was born to headbang. He’s a ball of nerves and he’s going to bark at anybody within a fifteen-yard radius of his personal space. That is unless the music is so loud that it drowns out every other care in the world.

This dog needs a muzzle outside the house, and he’d probably call your grandma a c*nt if he were able. Calm down. Our Lord and Savior Balam might have some anger issues, but at the end of the day, he’s down to snuggle up and listen to Cannibal Corpse.

DINO SIR - FUZZ

Whatever’s on the Desert Daze lineup, man. Dino Sir, named after the seminal Alterna-fuzz act Dinosaur Jr. is down for having a good time as long as it doesn’t get too deep or introspective. 

This dog counts Mac Demarco, Kurt Vile, and Crumb amongst his favorites, really whatever can soundtrack the kind of party where beer might get spilled and he can lap that shit up. Dino Jr., just like his owner, is always slightly buzzed.

PRINCESS - DARK POP

Billie Eilish, Lana Del Rey, MXMS-- Princess might seem like fluff and butterflies, but deep down she suffers from some serious depression issues.

Princess has been on doggie Zoloft since she was a puppy. So to suffer in silence, she turns to the new wave of dark pop music. It’s like does anybody even understand me? Sure, I’m in this beautiful exterior, but my insides hurt too. Normally in Princess’ house, Lorde is on being played on a perpetual loop. It’s nice to feel connected to something. She also likes the new Vampire Weekend record.

PEANUT BUTTER - JAM

Phish, The Grateful Dead, Joe Russo’s Almost Dead, even Moe., man. Peanut Butter is down for the journey. He bought the ticket, and now he’s taking the ride. He’s got some major co-dependency issues though, because he lives in the van, always being taken on tour. So when his heady parents head into the venue for the show, he howls like Jerry on a good one. 

Peanut Butter goes well with jam, but he also totally barks at random ass moments-- there’s a real lack of awareness with this pup. He also likes the new Vampire Weekend record.

TED NUGENT

This dog is named after the only musician he likes. Talk about synchronicity. It’s not that he’s even really heard Ted Nugent’s music as much as he really agrees with his politics. On second thought, he kind of digs Kid Rock too. Actually, you know what? Screw this dog.

PENELOPE - TECH-HOUSE

Penelope used to like EDM, but now she’s more into acts like Chris Lake and Fisher.

She hasn’t listened to a dubstep record in years (except for Skrillex, of course). Now you can catch her finding the groove at completely sold out house music events, that is as long as the groove gives way for a bass house breakdown at least once every seven minutes. It’s not that she’s basic, it’s that she’s exactly six months ahead of the curve.

OL’ JOE - COUNTRY

Old standbys like Willie Nelson and Hank Williams Sr always help this dog through the day.  He’s got some hip dysplasia in his seriously old bones.

Ol’ Joe used to be quite the whippersnapper, but now it’s all about laying out on the porch and howling at the moon. Joe’s seen better days, but most of the time he’s just glad to be alive, maybe with a nice back scratch or two for good measure. The simple things.

SNOOP DOGG

GET IT?! YOU LIKE WEED AND HIP-HOP AND SO DOES HE!

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From deep within the murky depths of the Los Angeles River emerged a creature: 50% raver, 50% comedian, 10% Robotcop. Kurt Kroeber doesn’t own a dog, operates Soundbleed (the world’s only dance party comedy talk show rave), and is down to party with you. Come up some time and say “Hey dude!” But definitely make sure to casually drop the secret Illuminati password.