TOP TEN THANKSGIVING TRACKS

It’s officially the holidays.

And you know what that means… quality time surrounded by the warmth and love of your family. There’s nothing better than gathering around the ol’ dinner table with your closest loved ones, eating some food, drinking some wine and remembering the good times. Except of course the good times are still going, aren’t they? Absolutely! They’ve never stopped. So this year, when you and the squad get together it really is going to feel like there is potential for peace on Earth. Like nothing else matters but you and yours. All the Grandpas and Grandmas and Moms and Dads are still alive and not voting republican in 2020. Yay!

The holiday season couldn’t be better. We love it almost as much as the grocery stores and Target and Wal-Mart and CVS and Rite Aid do (and oh lord you can’t escape-- not that we’d want to hahahahaha). We are incredibly excited for the final month of this year-- between Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah and New Years-- it’s a veritable smorgasbord of good times and not all triggering whatsoever.

Now if there were only some way to celebrate in style...

We at We Are: The Guard are huge fans of Thanksgiving music. From the Gobble All-Stars to KoRnucopia and everything in between. We’ve put together a little playlist of our favorite Thanksgiving-related tunes. Why don’t you and the fam give this one a spin on Thursday?

THE SMITHS - MEAT IS MURDER

And the turkey you festively slice
It is murder
Do you know how animals die?

The Smiths and Morrissey have always been major proponents of animal rights. And what more could a Turkey ask for than the right to be on your plate this Thanksgiving? We’ll cut in to the bird-- hopefully moist enough to slice with a simple blade-- and share it around the table with our family. The first Thanksgiving was celebrated by the Pilgrims who emigrated from England, and now we have one of England’s finest rock bands soundtracking the dinner. How appropo.

PEACHES - STUFF ME UP

I see you sitting, stuffing your face, why don't you stuff me up?
Mmmmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
I see you sitting, stuffing your face, why don't you stuff me up?
I see you sitting, stuffing your face, why don't you stuff me up?
Stuff me up
Stuff me up
Stuff me up

It’s not Thanksgiving without a good batch of stuffing. It’s tradition to combine some version of meat and bread and spices together and pack that bird full of it. Until it’s oozing out. Let it cook for another hour or so and boom you’ve got the STUFF. While people eat Turkey sandwiches the entire year, it seems like stuffing is exclusive to Thanksgiving. I wouldn’t mind some peaches in my stuffing. If you ask me, that sounds rather delicious. Mama… can we get some peaches in our stuffing this year?

JAMES BROWN - (DO THE) MASHED POTATOES

Mashed Potatoes!
French fry potatoes!
Just me and you, just me and you!

Why not both mashed and fried? Get mashed potatoes, all covered in butter for the adult table, and some french fries for the little ones. James Brown knows a thing or two about the finer things in life, so we all better listen. This one comes as Grandma’s request. She told me that she likes to get down to James Brown and that if it weren’t for him, my Dad might not have even been born. I don’t know what that means, but better to be safe than sorry.

BROOKE CANDY - XXXTC (FEAT. CHARLI XCX)

Tick-tock, titties flip-flop crazy
Ziplock, pussy tight, pussy gravy (Gravy)

Put gravy on everything!!! That’s what I always say. Seriously, gravy goes good on Turkey. Sometimes it’s just a little too dry and needs a little extra lubrication to really go down right. It works on the stuffing too-- tying all the flavors together. But my favorite is the mashed potatoes. That creamy white goodness all covered in sauce. Yum yum!

NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL - KING OF CARROTS, PART 1

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

My family goes nuts for vegetables. We usually do a green bean casserole and maybe even some brussel sprouts, but the one thing we always make sure to have is some carrots. It’s like we’re bunny rabbits we love carrots so much-- gnawing away at those long orange suckers like ‘what’s up doc?’ Which vegetables are staples of your family meals?

REDNEX - FOOTBALL IS OUR RELIGION

Wave your hands wave your hands
Football is our religion
Here we stand here we stand
Football is alive

There’s always a game on Thanksgiving, isn’t there? Big sports league championship. Full of concussions big time. It’s fun to sit down and watch men beat the shit out of each other like Gladiators. Go Patriots! Something something something deflated footballs. I don’t know. To be honest, this is the only thing my Uncle Mike wants to talk about. I don’t really know how to relate to him, so I just nod my head and pretend I understand.

SLAYER - RAINING BLOOD

Raining blood
From a lacerated sky
Bleeding its horror
Creating my structure
Now I shall reign in blood

This one’s a metaphor. For the blood of the indigenous that died at the hand of American colonization. We probably shouldn’t even be participating in a holiday with as unfortunate of a history. It’s a history built on the blood and suffering of others. Sure, our country can reign in blood, but we’re not entirely sure that’s something to celebrate. Plus, there’s some extra sauce lacquered on the pie.

WARRANT - CHERRY PIE

She's my cherry pie
Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good, makes a grown man cry
Sweet Cherry Pie, yeah

Apple Pie, Pecan Pie, Cherry Pie-- it doesn’t matter to my family. We’re just pie people. Cut a slice and pass it down brother, because we’re down to get down on a warm slice of pie. Sounds like a delicious cap to a fantastic dinner. We don’t go for that home made stuff either. To be honest, all the best pies come frozen in every major grocery store. Mmmhmm… I can taste it already. 

ERIC CLAPTON - COCAINE

If you got that lose, you want to kick them blues, cocaine
When your day is done, and you want to ride on cocaine
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie,
Cocaine

Oh shit. You just got a call from Billy. He wants you to come out for a drink on the town. After all that tryptophan are you kidding me? The only solution is a little bit of that magic white powder you brought with you from the city. That’ll get your gears going for sure. Why don’t you just take a little trip up to your childhood bedroom and give it the ol’ sniff sniff, see what happens. Zoom zoom.

THE CRANBERRIES - LINGER

Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to, do you have to, do have to let it linger?

We’re all about full cranberries in our cranberry sauce. You really have to let them linger in their own sauce for a while for the proper taste. But there’s nothing worse than fucking lingerers. You’re coked out of your mind and Billy and Jen are down at Junkyard with all your other friends from high school and can’t Aunt Sue just go the fuck home already? You’re trying to get TWISTED. You don’t have to go home Aunt Sue, but you can’t stay here.

-

We did it! We enjoyed the holidays together.

Hope this playlist helps get you and your family through the joyous occasion.

See you at Christmas!

From deep within the murky depths of the Los Angeles River emerged a creature: 50% raver, 50% comedian, 10% Robotcop. Kurt Kroeber doesn’t own a dog, operates Soundbleed (the world’s only dance party comedy talk show rave), and is down to party with you. Come up some time and say “Hey dude!” But definitely make sure to casually drop the secret Illuminati password.