TOP 5 INSTAGRAM MOMENTS: JOJI & RICH BRIAN HAVE BEEN REPLACED
by Kurt Kroeber
6/14/18
Imagine living in a world where being famous meant that your every single move was tracked by the masses like some science fiction movie gone wrong. Well, we’re living in it baby!! This isn’t even some government conspiracy or super-powerful television network, neither. No, these celebrities are participating BY THINE OWN HAND. If musicians, singers, actors, you-name-it don’t provide daily content to engage with their fans then it’s like do they even exist? It’s like famous people have become the paparazzi of themselves and we’re just along for the ride thanks to a shared network of pocket computers and the complete dissolution of filter. 2018, BABY! We know that you have busy lives with your full-time jobs and intense social calendars. You can’t just spend all day, every day, on the Instagram scroll trying to find out what your favorite musicians are up to, can you? NO! So we’ll do it for you! We Are: The Guard are proud to cull down this week’s internet events into the hottest and the weirdest and put it all together into a little think piece for you to enjoy as you sip your coffee.
KIM PETRAS CARRIES A GIANT STICK
I’ve seen people trying to hold up the Leaning Tower of Pisa before, but I’ve never seen someone pretend that the Washington Monument was their wang. While it appears that the German pop-star may slightly be disrespecting American politics, who is to say we as a nation have done anything in her twenty-five years of being alive worthy of being respected? This is probably the most inventive political satire since Jon Stewart was on The Daily Show. I think this girl has got some major bite to her and her semi-sarcastic song lyrics mixed with this picture are painting a crystal clear image of it all for me. Coming of LA Pride and straight to Washington— Kim Petras sure speaks softly and carries a big stick. ;)
LILY ALLEN UNICORN SPARKLES
Lily Allen stands backstage during her European tour testing out the sparkliest, most shimmering costume that will ever exist outside of computer special effects. Lily seems kind of embarrassed, and less than psyched, to be wearing the brightest costume that WILL EVER EXIST and I have no idea why. This is mega cool and she looks amazing, rocking those sparkles better than Liza Minnelli ever could. Lily Allen is now officially a human firework, first in personality and now — costuming. Set it off, Lily. SET IT OFF.
JORJA SMITH STRIPS DOWN
I mean if you don’t dig Tiny Desk Concerts anyways, there must be something wrong with you. Stripped down performances of the most interesting music being made in a new and unique setting. Jorja Smith’s deeply personal and soulful songwriting fits in perfectly in front of a stack of books like she’s singing directly to you in the library. To see her and her band jamming out on these songs so casually is an experience none of us will ever have in real life AND ONE I AM TOTALLY JEALOUS OF. Not everything in instagram is fluff and goss, some of it is real art, yo!
JOJI & RICH BRIAN HAVE BEEN REPLACED
Okay, okay, the original is dope and y’all got a billboard, but as far as I’m concerned Joji & Rich Brian have been officially replaced by a New York City barbershop quartet. Sure, they got bars, but this dapper Times Square foursome got the hook ready for Broadway. If this version isn’t featured in some proper remix than I’m not doing my job right and Internet meme remixers are dropping the literal, figurative and theoretical ball on this. Come on everyone, share this article. Spread the word. Let’s get the official (Barbershop Meme Flip).
ALLIE X FINDS A NEW THRONE
I mean we all knew Allie X was a Queen, but this is ridiculous. Game of Dark Indie Synth Pop maybe, but her Throne is definitely NOT a toilet. Her throne would be a whole hell of a lot darker, much vibier, and probably pretty goddamn goth. That’s Jungle George aka George Pimentel of the Malukuo Haus visual brand next to her. He’s made a lot of the music videos for Allie X’s tunes and is maybe her fiancé, but confirmed here as her BESTIE. WHO CARES, THEY’RE CURE EITHER WAY. Seriously, someone put these two on black toilets STAT.
We’ll see ya tomorrow with more of Instagram.
From deep within the murky depths of the Los Angeles River emerged a creature: 50% raver, 50% comedian, 10% Robotcop. Kurt Kroeber doesn’t own a dog, operates Soundbleed (the world’s only dance party comedy talk show rave), and is down to party with you. Come up some time and say “Hey dude!” But definitely make sure to casually drop the secret Illuminati password.