5 INSTAGRAM MOMENTS: EMINEM STILL SHADY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
by Calvin Paradise
7/13/18
What a week it’s been and we’re barely halfway home. The World Cup Final is set. People in the media and politics are mostly acting like everything is normal when it clearly is not. A boy’s soccer team is somehow still trapped in an underwater cave. Flint still doesn’t have clean water.
But what about the real news? Like, what are famous musicians doing on Insta?
No need to panic folks, we’ve got you covered.
In the spirit of the best sports’ spectacle on earth, we’ve got competing headlines for ya.
BIRTH IS BEAUTIFUL VS CARDI B IS PHOTOGENIC
The aesthetic merits of pregnancy and birth is a question I am severely under-qualified to answer, have barely contemplated, but will give my opinion on nonetheless.
I’d argue the beauty is more poetic than actual.
But creation, new life, birth? That shits always kick ass. And one our nation’s greatest treasures, Cardi B, took part in that whole exercise this week. She gave birth to daughter Kulture Kiari Cephus on Tuesday and looks stunning in this photo.
Big ups to Cardi & Offset. Good luck with all that parenting business.
STILL SHADY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS VS YOUR DAD DANCES LIKE EMINEM
At what point does pelvic thrusting become a provocative, if not slightly problematic, dance move? If toddlers and little kids do it, it’s hilarious. So what’s the age cut off? I’m gonna go with middle school when all of life’s problems actually begin.
Anyhow, Eminem’s violent, musically backed pelvic thrusts in Germany don’t seem terribly suggestive. Instead it just reminds you that Marshall is 45 and this is the sort of things dad’s his age do.
DAD MEMES VS WILL SMITH PROBABLY NEEDS A HOBBY
Speaking of Dads, Will Smith took the time to create this and let me just say I’m here for it, as well as the era of Dank Dad Memes.
I feel like Will read a Wikihow article on how to create a viral meme. That said, I am very grateful for it’s creation and I look forward to Puff’s response.
SUN'S OUT PUNKS OUT VS A MERMAID-UNICORN UNION IS UNHOLY
England crashed out of the World Cup on Wednesday in a very England-esque manner. What does that have to do with one of the best punk rockers that pale nation has ever produced soaking up the summer rays? Nothing.
Kate Nash is too busy looking incredible to care about your silly footie match.
Related, I can’t decide if I love or hate that floaty, but I know I want it.
BODY POSITIVITY VS DAMMMMMN GIRL
In case you’ve yet to realize it, our girl Lizzo is just getting started. She’s not afraid to flaunt what the good lord gave her. And if YOUR compliments are not grammatically correct, she ain’t here for ‘em.
Along with shattering the expectations of what a pop star is supposed to look like, she’s promoting the health benefits of twerking. Just be sure to stretch first you guys. Twerking with cold muscles is inviting havoc on your hamstrings, hips, and lowerback. Trust me on this one...
You’re not reading any of this are you? You’re just watching Lizzo twerk.
That’s fine, I can’t blame you.
Calvin Paradise is not any one thing. The half-hearted vagabond and forgetful luddite currently resides in Los Angeles and how he spends his time is none of your damned business.