2017 BEST OF SMALL PRINT COACHELLA ARTISTS [SATURDAY]

What’s up Chella-heads? The world’s most important festival (for a band to become instantly famous and/or you to show off your brand new self-designed fashion line!!) just dropped their annual line-up and it’s a doozy. 

Don’t be old and jaded and one of those haters that complain that Radiohead, the xx, Empire of the Sun, Dillon Francis, Mac DeMarco, Little Dragon, Bonobo, Big Gigantic, Jagwar Ma, Preservation Hall Jazz Band, Bicep, Bon Iver, DJ Snake, Martin Garrix, Nicolas Jaar, Tycho, Lorde, Justice, New Order, Future Islands, New Order, Galantis and Grouplove have all been there within the past five years. Who cares? It’s COACHELLA, baby!! You’re missing the point!! Coachella is about seeing the hottest acts surrounded by the hottest people in the hot desert sun.  So get your sunscreen ready and get this party started early!  How early?! How about noon when the gates open for some of the coolest artists on the lineup? 

You know… small artists, with the small crowds in the small tents on the poster in small fonts.

Don’t know any of them?  Don’t worry the Internet is here to help!! 

I have compiled a playlist of the coolest / most interesting / best sounding artists in small font? Why?! Because I love music and I love you! Now hop to it and have some fun because every one of these artists is three fire emojis. 

Click here for more of the Best of Coachella Small Print Artists: Friday | Sunday

MITSKI

My best friend who also has a major crush describes Mitski as “dreamier, just as furious, St. Vincent.”  But with dark unrelenting drum machine drums.  Sound good? I don’t know either. Well then someone please explain to me why I can’t stop listening to this song.

FLOATING POINTS

Floating Points live band is something to be seen.  Deep dark and live as fuck, effortlessly transitioning between jazz and house and techno and who the fuck knows what.  This is what those people who were listening to Radiohead before they were cool would be into now if 2017 was 1997.  Let’s hope Coachella doesn’t put them at the same time.  Actually let’s hope they do.

THUNDERCAT

You fuck with acid-funk-jazz fusion?  The new funk prince, Thundercat may very well be the resurrection of George Clinton and ALL of the members of P.FUNK (many of whom aren’t even dead!).  Thundercat will be out on the polo fields “slapping’ da bass mon.” Don’t miss this one if you like weird music and real live instruments and electronic sounds and weird songs with hints of Flying Lotus and a whole lot of nothing you’ve ever heard before.

S U R V I V E - WARDENCLYFFE

This Austin, TX band made all the music to Stranger Things. Nuff said.

BISHOP BRIGGS - THE WAY I DO

Dark soulful voice is that new sort of millennial chick singer songwriter that labels are collecting. You’ll be ashamed when she's the new hotness next year after being featured on the newest fresh hiphop hook and you were like "I didn't know!" Rookie mistake.

CHICANO BATMAN - MAGMA

In another generation Chicano Batman would have been the hottest lounge act the world has ever seen. Funky guitars, a brass section, Wurlitzer synthesizers, lean back vocal styles in 2016 makes for one of the strangest sounding bands on this whole lineup. So normal it’s almost psychedelic.

MOSS KENA - THESE WALLS

Moss Kena only has one song on Spotify so I have very little frame of reference. What I can tell you is that she’s got quite the set of pipes on her and has an affinity for funky beats that do half the talking for her. Holy shit, this song is sexfunk 9000. Making me horny. I mean brass. This rework of Kendrick Lamar’s "These Walls" is better than the original. Let’s all pay attention to her together, okay?

DECLAN MCKENNA - BETHLEHEM

This kid has some fucking chops on him. Eighteen year old singer songwriter from the UK with the voice, wisdom and songwriting ability of a seasoned man. If this pitch and this song doesn’t sell you, I don’t know what will. I’d just have to say you’re hopeless and you don’t even like well-made music, do you? DO YOU!?

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Now thank the Coachella Gods for giving you such a great lineup and keep listening! It’s almost party time!

About Kurt Kroeber

From deep within the murky depths of the Los Angeles River emerged a creature: 50% raver, 50% comedian, 10% Robotcop. Kurt Kroeber doesn’t own a dog, operates Soundbleed (the world’s only dance party comedy talk show rave), and is down to party with you. Come up some time and say “Hey dude!” But definitely make sure to casually drop the secret Illuminati password.