WTF: KULTURE FIRST BABY TO RECEIVE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME STAR
by Kurt Kroeber
8/13/18
After the hundreds of hours of social media content accumulated for her within the first month of her birth, Kulture “Offset-B” Kiari Cephus is set to be officially honored with a Hollywood Walk of Fame Star. This will be the first infant to receive this incredible award, beating both of her parents to the single most important recognition of celebrity in the American celebrity system.
The Hollywood Walk of Fame Chamber Committee, best known as HWFCC, cited Kulture as a massive influence to baby culture, stating, “If it weren’t for Kulture we might have forgotten children even existed. Now babies have been coming out of the woodwork petitioning for their kind to be properly represented alongside the Ray Romano’s and Donald Trump’s of the world. Who are we to be so discriminatory in our star picks?”
We here at We Are: The Guard are massive proponents of the Baby Equal Rights movement and see this as a massive step forward in culture as we know it.
Cardi B and Offset are as proud as can be of their little one-month old. While both parents knew their child was destined for something great, neither expected it to be so soon. This is the single fastest that a baby has been honored with anything ever. Absolutely unprecedented. Offset is apparently a bit miffed that he (or Migos) wasn’t considered first, but is coming to terms with the HWFCC’s decision. Kulture’s net worth is $4.1 Million, the highest for anybody under six months. Her clothing line will be dropping at Target this fall, and the first sneak-peak of the line modeled by Kulture on Cardi B’s Instragram will supposedly be coinciding with the Walk of Fame ceremony next month. Kulture is well on her way to becoming the world’s most successful baby.
“With a name like Kulture, we just knew that the world was going to a flip a lid over this little girl. It’s like they basically named her Zeitgeist, how could we not pay attention?” says HWFCC head-honcho Lawrence Arabia when asked for comment. “After a decision this radical, I expect to be getting my own star pretty soon. And I just have to say… FINALLY.”
“Ironically enough, if Kulture was a boy we actually were gonna name her Zeitgeist,” stated Cardi B in a personalized Snapchat to me exclusively, so you won’t be able to prove or deny this.
Watch LIVE coverage of the Walk of Fame ceremony honoring Kulture Thursday September 18, 2018 only at the official Walk of Fame YouTube Channel. The ceremony will be hosted by Logan Paul.
Watch the video that led to the pregnancy that started it all:
CARDI B FEAT OFFSET "LICK"
This is an article from WATG: Absurd, a new Parody arm of your favorite music blog.
From deep within the murky depths of the Los Angeles River emerged a creature: 50% raver, 50% comedian, 10% Robotcop. Kurt Kroeber doesn’t own a dog, operates Soundbleed (the world’s only dance party comedy talk show rave), and is down to party with you. Come up some time and say “Hey dude!” But definitely make sure to casually drop the secret Illuminati password.